Giving Up

Moving back overseas has been a more difficult decision this time around. There are many factors that have contributed to making it more difficult. It has been my desire from the beginning to return overseas, but I have had to face rejection, doubt, discouragement, dead ends, and lots of silence in the process.

One of the things I had not anticipated was how fear crept into the decision-making process. I have never really faced such fear as I have travelled the globe and entered into situations that many would consider dangerous. Yet, as I considered moving back overseas, the fear almost became paralyzing.

I was talking to a wise friend as I was wrestling through some of this fear. She reminded that taking these kinds of risks was never going to get easier, only more difficult. When I leave this time, I know more of what it will cost me. I am aware of how hard it will be to stay in touch. I will know that I am missing out on milestone moments with my family. I can anticipate the loss differently this time around. So every time I start over in a new ministry setting, it will be more difficult and has the potential to raise more fears.

I do not want fear to dictate my decisions. I do want to count the cost, but I know there is great gain involved as well. Jesus says in Mark 10:29-30, “…and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.”

There is gain in the loss. I have experienced it. I anticipate I will again. This does not make it easy. I love my mother, father, brothers, sisters, nieces, friends, family, churches and long for time with them…yet, for the sake of the Good News, I leave, knowing there will be both persecution and the gain of a new family and community. I will face my fears, count the cost, and still make the decision to go. Fear begins to give way to faith.

Plain Hard to Get

I am not sure what to think. The ministry roles I have desired to fill, the door has closed clearly. Those opportunities I am unsettled about are pursuing me. It has left me confused. I am totally dependent on Jesus to direct me.

So I am working out this morning, listening to my Ipod. The song “Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins came on shuffle. I ended up playing it three times. The last half in particular seemed to speak to what I am currently experiencing.

“And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we cannot get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get”

I believe what God says about Himself is true. I know there is nothing else I can do, but surrender to the journey God has me on. I want to follow God. Sometimes He is just plain hard to get.