Please Go With Me

One day Moses said to the Lord, ‘You have been telling me, ‘Take these people up to the Promised Land.’ But you haven’t told me whom you will send with me. You have told me, ‘I know you by name, and I look favorably on you.’ If it is true that you look favorably on me, let me know your ways so I may understand you more fully and continue to enjoy your favor. And remember that this nation is your very own people.” The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you. Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place.  How will anyone know that you look favorably on me—on me and on your people—if you don’t go with us? For your presence among us sets your people and me apart from all other people on the earth.” (Exodus 33:12-16)

As I have been studying through Exodus over the past few months, I found myself resonating with Moses’ sentiment in this passage. God has asked Moses to lead the people to the Promise Land, but Moses has just had another encounter with the people that has left him disheartened. In a moment of clarity and honesty, Moses acknowledges his need to understand God more fully and to continue to enjoy God’s favor to be able to lead the people. Moses recognizes that it is not his own strengths or gifts that are going to mark his success in this journey, but more of God.

I love the scenario Moses gives to God. “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place.” This has been my repeated prayer to God in the last few days since I read this passage. If God doesn’t go with me to Germany, I don’t want to go. To accomplish what God has asked me to do, I need Him to go with me. I have no hope without Him with me.

God has promised to be with His people, so I am counting on His presence to go with me to Germany. This is the source of my strength as I prepare to serve at Black Forest Academy. Please join me in praying that I would understand God more fully, continue to enjoy His favor, and for God’s presence to personally go with me as I fly to Germany next Monday.

Stories of God's Wonderful Goodness

God stretches my faith in the support raising process. I get a front row seat to see how God is working in the world and in our lives. There were a couple of amazing stories this week that I had the opportunity to witness firsthand.

Last Monday I sent out 150 letters to people to request they consider joining my support team. On Wednesday I received a phone call from a woman who had received one of those letters. The amazing thing was she had received the letter at an address where she does not live. There was no reason that should have been the address my family had one file for her. She was visiting a niece and it was the

only piece of mail that came in her name the whole three months she was there.

When she saw the letter in the mail, she was surprised and curious as to what it contained. She had to laugh when she opened the letter and saw God had reached her across several States so she could respond to my need and join my team. Seeing God pursue her to be part of the team was a faith stretching experience for her and for me.

On Sunday, I was sharing about Black Forest Academy at one of my supporting churches. A young man came up to my table. As we talked, he shared that I had spoken in his class at school when he was in sixth grade. He had gone home to tell his mom he wanted to go to Germany to be at BFA. I shared about the opportunities to serve at BFA and by Monday he had requested an application. I have no idea what God has planned, but it is exciting to see God’s continuing story in the life of this young man.

Psalm 145:7 says, “Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness; they will sing with joy about your righteousness.” I want to be faithful to tell the story of God’s wonderful goodness. These are some of His stories.

Say Goodbye

From my early days of overseas ministry, I was introduced to the acronym RAFT. We were encouraged to build our RAFT to guide us through our transitions. So here is what the acronym means…

R: Reconciliation- Make sure you seek to set things right with people before you leave or the problems could follow you to your next location.

A: Affirmation- Take the time to affirm people in your life, communicating what you appreciate about them.

F: Farewell- Say goodbye to people, places, and things that have been significant to you during your time.

T: Think Destination- Look forward to the next season with joyful anticipation, preparing yourself for what lies ahead.

Saying goodbye to my favorite barista

In every transition, I have attempted to build my RAFT and finish well. I have found it to be a valuable

exercise, helping me to navigate goodbyes and be prepared for a new season. This includes taking time to write cards or verbally express how I appreciate people and places and the impact they have had on my life. I make sure to seize the moment to say goodbye, in case there is not another opportunity.

With this frame of reference, it still surprises me sometimes when people who have been on the mission field for many years struggle to say goodbye. Were they never taught the RAFT? Have so many goodbyes become too painful to handle? Is it working better for them to deny goodbyes are happening?

I had a dear friend almost refuse my farewell card because she was sure she would see me again in the next two weeks and wanted to put off the finality of our goodbye.

Last week I saw a great opportunity to express to another influential person in my life how I had been impacted by his investment during my time here. He stopped me from saying anything with the promise to talk to me on Sunday, which would be our last time seeing one another. No matter how I tried to seize the moment, he would not let me finish my sentence.

Still other friends seem surprised when I hand them a card or express my appreciation for them. They find it unusual and inspiring that I would take the opportunity to communicate my thankfulness. 

Paul understood the importance of goodbyes. Throughout Acts, you read about Paul taking the time to say goodbye to the believers in each of the cities where he stayed, even if that meant going back into town after he had been beaten or stoned. In Acts 20, Paul called the Ephesian elders together one last time. He affirmed the work God did among them and the journey God was unfolding for Paul as he headed to Rome. In verses 36-38, Luke writes, “When he had finished speaking, he (Paul) knelt and prayed with them. They all cried as they embraced and kissed him goodbye. They were sad most of all because he had said that they would never see him again. Then they escorted him down to the ship.”

Goodbyes are hard, but they are good and they are necessary. I have found such joy and affirmation in taking the opportunity to say goodbye, expressing thankfulness for the relationship. Every time I say goodbye in Chiang Mai, I am honoring the work God has done in my time here and filled with anticipation of what comes next. Honestly, I have loved my goodbyes.

So I will continue to take steps to build my RAFT and celebrate the life God has given me here in Thailand and the life He is preparing for me in Germany, whether others are willing to embrace the goodbyes or not.

Life in Boxes

Moving is a bit unsettling. There is something a little unnerving about seeing your life packed up and contained in boxes. It requires some reflection. What do I get rid of? What is important enough to pack? Why is this of value to me?

From the first months of making my decision to move to Germany, I had determined to ship my belongings from Thailand to Germany. I knew it would be an investment, but I also knew there were going to be some things (artwork, dishes, games, books, etc.) that I would want to have with me in my new home.

So I agonized over the decision of what to take with me. I evaluated what was important enough to be considered part of my “home”. I second-guessed. I pared down. I wondered how I would feel if my shipment got lost or damaged. If these were things that were important to me, important enough to spend the money to ship, they would also be things I would grieve the loss of if something went wrong with the shipment.

I spent time thinking about “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”. I spent time thinking about what defines home for me.

Then the shipping company came to evaluate my things and to give me an estimate of what it would take to ship my life to Germany. I had given myself a “worst case scenario” number and when I received the estimate, it was higher than I imagined.

This caused me to reconsider everything. Should I just sell everything I own and try to repurchase when I arrived in Germany? What about the things that were irreplaceable, the things that had no equivalent in Germany? Should I try to fly everything to the States and then to Germany? This was impossible with my stopover in Taiwan on the way back. Should I use FedEx or DHL? It turned out both the cost and timing were prohibitive.

I felt discouraged. I don’t own very much, I wasn’t shipping furniture or anything that felt extravagant. My life is pretty simple. Now I was to determine greater value of what I owned and it was challenging how I think about home and possessions.

My parents and dear friends offered wise advice. Along the way, one friend observed that as missionaries few of us own homes, but what little we have speaks of home and so it has value from the memories attached and the sense of belonging it brings to our transient lives. I was encouraged to contact the shipping company again to see if there was any wiggle room in the price and I was encouraged to resolve to proceed with the shipping, regardless of the cost.

Hebrews 11: 13b-16 says, “They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

The shipping company did come back with a lower price, although still not matching my budget request. However, I had settled to take these memories and pieces of home with me. I am a foreigner and a nomad. I recognize that this world is not my home and I acknowledge the things I am taking with me to Germany will not last forever. These few things do serve as a reminder of the journey God has me on from place to place and build a bridge from my past to my future, until I finally reach the homeland God is preparing for me. 

Looking at Death Differently

I have actually been talking about death for months. I started to make the observation quite awhile ago to friends and family that I had never seen a dead body. A mixture of circumstances and culture had created this reality where at age 35, I had never seen a dead person before. I know lots of people who have died. I have been to lots of memorial services (but few funerals). There has never been an open casket. I was unfamiliar with death. Until April 14^th.

Being present for Grandma’s last breath and the fading of her pulse made death personal. It put a face to death. As Easter approached the following Sunday, I realized the hope of the resurrection felt sweeter after seeing the loss that comes with death firsthand.

On Wednesday night, my story-telling small group learned the crucifixion story in Luke 23. I found images of my Grandma’s last breath coming to mind as I read that Jesus breathed His last. I have always used my imagination to picture what that scene must have been like. However, this time the pictures in my head were rooted in my experience on April 14th. 

Jesus says, “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” in Luke 23:46. Jesus gives up His spirit to His Father who knows and loves Him. In that moment, Jesus breathes His last. My Grandma entrusted her spirit to the Father who knows and loves her. I was present for that moment. As I reflected on the story with my small group, I realized my April 14^th experience caused me to look at death differently.

There is such a sense of control in Jesus’ death story. His self-controlled response to those mocking Him as He hung on the cross speaks to this. His deliberate extension of grace to the criminal hanging with him on the cross shows He died the way He lived. In the midst of His pain and suffering, Jesus moves toward people with compassion and forgiveness. What a remarkable way to die! Reflective of the way He lived.

I can’t look at death the same anymore. I realized that on Wednesday night. It is now colored by being present for Grandma’s death. This has caused me to approach the crucifixion story differently. It feels more personal. It feels more costly. It feels more miraculous. I can’t help, but see death differently now.

Love and Faithfulness

I remember the shock I felt in the summer of 2006 when my parents told me they were moving to Southern California. They loved their life on the Central Coast. They were deeply committed to their church and community there. However, my parents explained they had been talking with Grandma and wanted to honor her request to be able to live the last season of her life in her own home. For my parents, this meant first making the move to Southern California and then moving in with Grandma about a year later.

My parents had no idea what timeline they were committing to when they made the decision to move.

There was financial cost involved in committing to Grandma’s care, especially as Grandma needed more and more assistance. Both Mom and Dad left jobs they loved and found jobs in Southern California they grew into (or retired out of for my Mom). They lived in Grandma’s space, downsizing to the point where they were getting rid of wedding gifts they had received over thirty years earlier. They left behind their closest friends and dove into the anonymity of Southern California.

There were great blessings in this season of life. Mom and Dad were able to invest in Grandma’s life in a way no one else was able to experience. They offered her care that likely extended her life. God provided them with a great church family in Southern California. This season has allowed Mom and Dad to be local for the birth of their first four grandchildren. Mom and Dad have been able to invest in so many people in the last eight years from EFCA to Biola to Huntington Beach EV Free to Restoration to friends they have known for over thirty years and most especially, their grandchildren.

The decision to care for Grandma in the last season of her life cost my parents and in ways they couldn’t have anticipated. Yet they faithfully walked out this decision. Through Mom’s cancer, through late night cries for help in the monitor, through the inclusion of caregivers, Mom and Dad stayed committed to Grandma, her request to finish her life in her home, and to the God who had invited them to this sacrificial living.

Before they even left the Central Coast, people had encouraged Mom and Dad to look into other options for Grandma. When Mom got sick and when Grandma’s care needs increased, people advised my parents to reconsider their decision to keep Grandma in her home. Yet nothing would sway my parents from their commitment to keep Grandma in her home, no matter the cost.

As I knelt by my Grandma’s bed and saw her life here come to an end, I was overwhelmed by the love and faithfulness my parents had lived out in the last eight years. “It is finished” came to mind. My parents had finished their covenant with Grandma so well.

In John 15:13-14, Jesus says, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” This kind of love is costly. This kind of love is rare. When you see this kind of love, it overwhelms you. This is the love I have seen displayed in my parents as they served Grandma in the last eight years. This love overwhelmed me as they completed their task last Monday and held Grandma’s hands as she met Jesus. 

How He Loves

Two Sundays ago, we were singing the song “How He Loves” at church. We had just gotten to the chorus and I was trying to sing…

And oh

How He loves us oh

Oh how He loves us

How He loves us oh

Except that I started to cry and I couldn’t choke out the words. I was reflecting on my emotional reaction later and realized I haven’t been feeling very loved by God. It has been a hard few months (well, years) with family struggles, ministry struggles, and personal struggles. I am tired. I am sad. I am feeling beaten.

I had the opportunity to process with some dear friends last week how I was feeling. I know the truth. I know God loves me. I could speak out theological truth, but was feeling like my experiences didn’t reflect what I knew to be true.

Toward the end of the week, I was able to start to articulate the list of evidences of God’s love in my life in the last few years. I had the whole list of blessings I had blogged about several weeks ago as a starting point. My experiences did reinforce the truth I know in Scripture- God loves me.

This weekend, while in Denver, I heard from my parents that my Grandma was declining quickly. They weren’t sure she would still be here when I got back Monday morning. I was grieving her loss and wanted the opportunity to read her the birthday card I had picked out for her. When I had left for Denver, I had told her I would see her on Monday and tell her about the wedding. I pleaded with God for that opportunity.

When I landed in Orange County on Monday morning, I got a text from my Dad that Grandma was still breathing. We got home about 10 and I rushed to her room. I was able to hold her hand and read her my card and tell her stories. While she couldn’t respond verbally, it appeared she was trying to communicate with me as I read and talked.

I sat with her about three hours. I had just called Korean Air to change my ticket (I was supposed to fly back to Thailand tomorrow morning) and had brought my lunch back into Grandma’s room. I noticed her breathing had slowed. I pointed out to Mom that the hymn playing on the CD was The Holy City, a hymn about heaven when everything will be made right.

At that moment, I saw Grandma exhale and Mom and I both commented about her slowed breathing. Dad walked in and we watched Grandma take her last breath. Mom, Dad, and I flew to her bedside holding her hands and rubbing her arms. Mom felt Grandma’s pulse fade in her wrist and then in her neck. Then she was gone from us and with Jesus.

My Grandma was an incredible woman. For those of you privileged to know her, I wouldn’t need to say anymore. She was generous, hospitable, thoughtful, independent, detailed, determined, silly, and spunky. She made people feel so special. She loved Jesus and was devoted to her family (which included many who were not related to her by blood). I had the honor of living with her for a couple of years during university and always looked forward to my time with her when I was in the States. I know she was incredibly proud of me, because of my faith and how that has been expressed in service. My Grandma loves me.

So does my Heavenly Father. He loves me. Oh, how He loves me. I saw clear evidence of this yesterday as I was with my Grandma I love so much as she went to meet Jesus, who she loves so much. 

Easier to Believe

I had faith when few believed it was possible. I was convinced, without doubt, that Ellian and Bini were supposed to be part of EMBARK 2. It didn’t matter to me there were only three weeks before the program was starting and the girls needed visas and plane tickets and twenty thousand dollars. My faith was so strong, I dove head first doing my part in the process, believing God would do His part and provide.

And He did…

Three weeks later, Ellian and Bini were on a plane heading toward a life-changing 10-month experience with the visas they needed and the funding supplied. This was what God did and I was confident He would.

However, I need to acknowledge that it is easier for me to believe for others than it is to believe for myself. I can confidently live out Mark 11:22-24 when it comes to believing God’s work for others which says, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.” This is harder for me to live out when I am called to believe for God’s provision for myself.

I have been aware of this pattern in two particular areas of my life in the last week. My anxiety over the funding needed for me to serve at Black Forest Academy has been growing week after week. I realize it is ridiculous for me to feel worried after what I had seen God do last January for Ellian and Bini. However, that hasn’t seemed to remove my anxiety, just made me more aware of the internal conflict.

The other area where I have been aware it is easier for me to believe for others than for myself is in my desire to be married. I am getting ready to fly to America this week for the wedding of one of my dearest friends. There has never been a doubt in my mind she would get married. I have believed for her husband since our early days of friendship. I have far more faith in God’s provision of a husband for her than for myself.

I am confident God provides. I believe the words from Mark 11 that God hears and answers my prayers. There is evidence throughout my life of God’s provision for me and for others around me. I still find it easier to have faith that God will move on the behalf of others when I believe than believing God will provide for me. God, please help my unbelief. 

A German in a Thai World

I have really embraced the way my German heritage plays out in my life. When I lived in Germany previously, I started to see my values of order, cleanliness, promptness, and country living expressed in their native context. It is easy for me to operate under the belief that there is a “right” way to do everything and that it is best to help others learn how to do things the “right” way. This “right” way seemed to come rather naturally in Germany.

Then I moved to Thailand. Here I have learned to run red lights, as it is actually the safer course of

Thai Values Sign

action (I forgot I wasn’t in Thailand over Christmas and tried this practice in Huntington Beach, not a good choice). Here I talked myself out of a ticket for driving my truck in the left lane. Here I am chronically late. Here I have learned to avoid the direct approach when I have something to communicate to a Thai friend. The highest values are keeping the peace, going with the flow, and holding things loosely. This is a little different from Germany.

The Thai values come less naturally to me. I don’t blend in here, for external and internal reasons. However, I have seen the benefit of introducing some of these Thai cultural values into my German, type-A life. There are times to value order and there are times to value chaos. Sometimes it is OK to run a red light and other times it is best to stop. Keeping the conversation going, rather than running off to complete the next thing on my to-do list is sometimes the better choice.

The values I have discovered in Thailand have really brought some balance to my German tendencies. I am trying to navigate when it is good to live as a German and when it is good to live as a Thai. What I am really discovering is there are traits to value and express in any culture, especially those values that reflect God’s Kingdom culture. These are the values I should embody faithfully. There may be times to act like a German and there may be times to act like a Thai, but the best cultural values I could live out are the Kingdom culture ones.

Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Remember

The story this week in my small group was out of Exodus 12 when God establishes the Passover as part of releasing His people from Egypt. One of the questions that is asked every week at small group is “If this story is true, what will you do in response?” I was struck by verse 14, which says, “This day shall be for you a memorial day, and you shall keep it as a feast to the Lord; throughout your generations, as a statute forever, you shall keep it as a feast.”

The EMBARK House

What God did to release His people was quite remarkable. It would be easy to think they would never forget something so spectacular. However, God knows His people. We are prone to forget. So God asked Israel to set aside time every year to remember forever what He had done to save His people from Egypt.

I decided in response to the story, it would be a good week to remember and celebrate God’s work during my time in Thailand. In October, I had put together a list of the ways I had seen God at work during my time in Thailand. This weekend I went back through the list to remember and to add more evidences of God’s goodness during this season. Here is a sampling of that list.

·          The foundation for EMBARK laid by the Mellis and the Wilsons

·          Neil’s willingness to run with the EMBARK concept even with limited resources

·          The provision of the EMBARK House and the generosity of our landlords

·          God’s revealing of His love and purpose for Doi Saket to me on Palm Sunday

·          Free training material provided by LeaderTrek

·          Getting to be Stateside for Grandma’s 95^th birthday, Dave’s 30^th birthday, Abby’s 1^st birthday, Mother’s Day 2012, and Mom’s first chemo treatment because my visa had been cancelled

·          Alicia and Olivia’s willingness to be “guinea pigs” in a new program

·          Jane’s ability to come help during EMBARK 1 and her involvement with future EMBARKers

·          Relationships built with Thais in Doi Saket- Sorn and Daa, Jay, Mike, P’Muk and P’Janet, the donut lady

·          The gift of Jasmine and Amy and all the resources shared from Bethany School of Mission

·          The provision of participants for each of the EMBARK groups

·          More funds raised than I could have ever imagined for the house, car, furniture, etc.

·          The provision of the EMBARK truck, Emmett, through Expat Auto

·          Going with Mom to doctor appointments, infusions, and the radiation center over the course of her 18 months of treatment

·          All the money and visas for Bini and Ellian in three weeks time

·          The diversity of our EMBARK teams

·          The growing endorsement for EMBARK from YFC/USA and Britain YFC

·          The provision of The Center TESOL course

·          Meeting people like Shelley & JR, Shelbey & Rachel, Laura, and others who never participated in EMBARK, but I had the opportunity to disciple them in the decision-making process

·          The response from the national directors to EMBARK at the National Director & Spouse retreat

Church at CMCC

·          Regularly attending Chiang Mai Community Church

·          Joining the story-telling small group

·          Joining the women’s basketball group in Chiang Mai

·          Discovering the aqua aerobics group Chiang Mai

·          Attending the Ladies Retreat in Chiang Mai in September 2013

·          My financial and prayer supporters being more engaged in my ministry than ever before

·          Visits to Chiang Mai from dear friends and my parents

·          Ellian really engaging with the people in Vietnam and breaking so many stereotypes

·          Renee figuring out she wants to teach for a living

·          Everyone passing their TESOL course

·          Learning to trust Jesus more than I ever have in my life

·          Mom declared cancer free

·          The perseverance that has grown in all of us, in Thailand and back in California

·          P’Prompt, the Chiang Mai YFC director’s, request for me to teach him English

·          The relationships that have been built from our English classes in Chiang Mai

·          Lana and I getting to live together

·          Opportunities to become more convinced of the incarnational ministry of Jesus and my own commitment to 3Story living

·          Learning to trust God with my family

·          The support and love of my parents through an intensely difficult season for them

·          The volunteer team from my different churches coming to help with YFC’s General Assembly in September 2014

This is only a partial list. God’s faithful hand is seen all over my time in Thailand. Sometimes, especially when things haven’t turned out as planned, it gets easy to forget and start to be discouraged. So I want to spend time this week celebrating God’s work and I want to make sure I go back and remember often that God has done a good work in and through me here. It is worth celebrating. 

The Wisdom Teeth Story

I wanted to take some time to share with you the story of getting my wisdom teeth removed in Thailand. The video is a bit long, but hopefully it will give you a good chuckle.

24 Years

On Wednesday night at small group, we were looking at the beginning of Genesis 15 and God’s reiteration of the promise He had given to Abram. The facilitator of our group was talking about the timing of the original promise when Abram had moved out of Ur to Canaan. Our facilitator speculated that it had been about 24 years since Abram had originally heard from God, so it was good that God was reminding Abram of the promise again. Steve rhetorically said, “What were you doing 24 years ago?”

I had to smile as Steve asked his question because I could actually answer. My dad has been reading back through his journals as part of his sabbatical. On Tuesday, dad has sent me this entry from March 1990, "Kristi is showing great interest in missions. She bought a copy of Operation World, which gives her information on various countries around the world. In one year she can pray around the world. She wants to be a Vet so she's considering being a Vet in a Muslim country as a witness for Christ. Lord, help me to fan the flame of her interest. And if she should go overseas to serve you, strengthen me to let her go."

This was 24 years ago. God was already stirring in me a vision for being involved in His Kingdom Work around the world. While I am not serving as a veterinarian in a Muslim country, God did fan the flame of my interest through my parents and they have done a great job of letting me go. What a powerful reminder of the work God was doing in me 24 years ago and His continued work in me today. God is faithful to complete the work He started.

Philippians 1:6, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” 

Out of Control

I had to push down the panic as soon as I hit the water. It didn’t help that the life vest didn’t fit properly and felt like it had risen up around my neck to strangle me. It also didn’t help that my mask was too loose and the nosepiece had instantly filled with water, which I had immediately inhaled. More than all of this, I had just jumped straight into the unknown, into a sea that was well beyond my control.

The last time I had gone snorkeling was when I was 15 in a protected bay in the Philippines. This was the open ocean. The waves kept coming and I had to remain aware of the currents. Before we jumped in, we had just received the description of five sea creatures to avoid touching (although only one of them was life-threatening, we were told). I was trying to be brave and play it cool, but I just kept thinking, “I just want to survive the next hour.”

On our first stop of this snorkeling trip, I just kept telling myself not to panic and enjoy the experience. I wrestled my lifejacket for the whole hour and was constantly having to flip on my back to empty my mask, so I could avoid the feeling of drowning. Yet, I would have these moments when I would get lost in the beauty of the fish in such vibrant colors it was breathtaking. When the purple jellyfish the size of a volleyball swam into view, I was nervous and amazed all at the same time. The feeling of being out of control was worth the adventure I was experiencing.

The second stop had even stronger currents and less visibility in places, but I had traded lifejackets, adjusted my mask, and was starting to feel some peace about the experience. I still recognized that at any moment I could be pulled by a wave or run into a creature I didn’t want to see that close up, but not being in control meant I could see something few people in the world get to see. I saw “Nemo” swimming through the anemones and giant clams with purple, blue, and green “lips” inches from my face.

Later that day, we went kayaking. I was in the front, so Lana was steering. I had never kayaked before (or canoed for that matter), so I was feeling out of my element. We turned the corner into the open ocean and started to be buffeted by the waves and the wake from the longboats. I kept asking Lana to tell me where we were going. I thought knowing my direction would reduce my anxiety. She replied that she didn’t know because it would depend on the direction of the waves. I didn’t like the feeling of being blind and not being in control of where we were going.

I recognize that I like the feeling of being in control. I like to believe that I am setting my direction. I like to believe that if I am taking risks, they are well calculated. The reality is that this is an illusion. I am not in control of my life. God throws in the unexpected. Other people make choices that impact me. I live in a big ocean where I am being tossed around trying to have some semblance of order. The more I seek to control, the less I enjoy the experience. When I am able to acknowledge that my life is not my own, I can embrace the adventure a bit more.

Job 23:12-14 says, “I have not departed from His commands, but have treasured His words more than daily food. But once He has made His decision, who can change His mind? Whatever He wants to do, He does. So He will do to me whatever He has planned. He controls my destiny.” What a terrifying and comforting thought. As humbling and awe-inspiring as the ocean is, God is more.

I was trying to teach my nieces to have a healthy fear of the ocean when I was in California this Christmas. We were working on helping them not to be afraid to get in the water, but to still recognize the power of the waves and the need to have a supervising adult with them. This is where I want to be with God. I don’t want to be afraid to jump into life with Him, but I also want to acknowledge His power and His ability to do whatever He wants with me.

My life is not mine to control. God is the one who controls my destiny. And so I leap from the boat.