Generosity to Generosity

I was watching Muppets Christmas carol on Friday night with my family. In the movie there is a scene at the end where Scrooge gives a generous donation to Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew. After Scrooge whispers his intended donation, Beaker and Bunsen get very quiet. Then, solemnly, Beaker takes the red scarf from around his neck and hands it to Scrooge. Scrooge gratefully takes the scarf as their token of gratitude.

I have to admit I got a little teary watching the scene on Friday night. I could identify with Beaker. What do you give to those who have given so much to you? I was still reeling (and continue to reel) from the generosity of those who have made it possible for me to serve in Thailand. Getting the news on Thursday that my start-up costs were more than covered and I was free to buy my ticket was a beautiful Christmas gift.

Each gift toward Thailand has a story. There was the young couple that went online the last night of their honeymoon to donate to my start up costs and officially bring me to 100%. I was humbled by the college student who had heard me speak the weekend before and decided to participate financially. I received a beautiful card from a young woman who has been watching my life from the edges and decided to participate in my life financially. There was a gift from a dear friend from grad school. I received gifts from fellow YFC missionaries. I scroll through the names and see long-time family friends, former baby-sitters, missionary heroes, former students, dear friends, and my much-loved family.

The gifts I have received are each one precious and overwhelming to me. Each relationship is so special to me. With each one, I just want to bless back. I want to give from my resources. My mom reminds me that with the gifts I have received I am going to have the opportunity to bless the Thai orphans who will live next door to me, my fellow Asia Pacific staff, the Thai students I will teach ESL to, the EMBARK interns, my TCK staff, my landlords, and more. So while I would love to give all who have given to me at least a “scarf”, instead I am going to pay forward the gifts that I have received to those in my Thai world.

I have been blessed. The generosity I have experienced calls me to greater generosity in my own life. I cannot by touched by this sacrificial giving without also being encouraged to more sacrificial giving in my own life.

Jesus said in Mark 4:24-25, “Listen carefully to what I am saying—and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world on your own. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes." (The Message)

Your generosity continues to beget generosity in my life. Thank you.

A Good Story

According to Donald Miller, a good story involves “a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it” (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, p.51). This got me thinking about a few stories.

What is God’s story? What does He want? What conflict has He overcome to get it?

In Mark 10:45 Jesus says, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Peter also talks about this ransom in 1 Peter 1:18-19, “For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.”

God’s story is His creation rebelled against Him and became enslaved in sin. God wanted to restore His people to Himself, so He chose to overcome every obstacle and pay the highest price, the life of His Son Jesus, so we could be right with God.

So then I was thinking, what is my story? What do I want? What conflict am I willing to overcome to get it?

The current chapter in my story involves wanting to follow Jesus to Thailand and train others to be involved in pioneering ministry around the world. I love Paul’s words in Colossians 1:28-29 where he says, “So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ. That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me.” I am working very hard to overcome the obstacles that are keeping me from living out my story in Thailand, while depending on Christ’s power at work within me.

What is the story I am inviting EMBARK young leaders into? What do they want? What conflict will they overcome to get it?

Cliff Kuang of Co.Design writes about the millennial generation, currently ages 18-29, the exact age of EMBARK interns. He is writing about the struggle they are having finding employment and then highlights some potential blessings in this struggle. Cliff writes, “But maybe that's a good thing. It may be that millennials are a generation apart in one sense that hasn't shown up yet in the data: Plagued by dead-end career prospects, many seem to have turned to everything from crafts to self-improvement as a way to find meaning outside of what they do. A less materialistic, more happiness-focused generation seems like a very good thing given how obsessed America has been with simply getting more, no matter what. But it might also be that a lack of prospects makes this generation the most entrepreneurial we've ever seen--after all, innovation is usually born during times of hardship.”

This generation is struggling to find work. They are looking for meaning. This struggle is establishing some of them as creative pioneers. I want to invite the EMBARK young leaders into God’s story of ransoming the world. Their story can find meaning in God’s bigger story. There is the chance to invest their innovation to establish new strategies to reach every young person. This is the EMBARK story in my story in God’s story.

www.yfc.net/embark

Believing What He Said

“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said” (Luke 1:45). This was the response of the angel to Mary after she committed to allow everything to happen to her as the angel had spoken. Believing God will do what He says is hard. From the beginning, it has been a battle to believe God’s word.

Genesis 3:1 says, “The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, ‘Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?’” Eve recounts what God said to them, but then chooses to believe the serpent’s statement instead. Eve, and the rest of us, have reaped the consequences of believing the lie ever since.

“They traded the truth about God for a lie” (Romans 1:25a). This applies to all of us. Eve and Adam, in the garden, traded the truth for a lie. God had said one thing. The serpent said another. They chose the serpent. That choice changed everything. It is the goal of the enemy of our souls to get us to believe lies rather than the truth. This trade of truth for lies now happens every day.

“But the Son of God came to destroy the works of the devil” (1 John 3:8b). There is another option. Because Jesus was born, we can believe the truth, rather than the lie. I can now live like Mary, instead of Eve. It is possible for me to believe God will do what He said because Jesus destroyed the works of the devil.

So today I choose truth. “Did God really say…?” Yes, He did. 

This is Discipleship

Life is messy. So many things do not go as planned. We run into obstacles that change our course and direction.

I was talking to a dear friend who is also in the process of moving overseas to serve in missions. She is running into roadblock after roadblock. I mentioned that God is using these roadblocks to prepare her for her life internationally. I believe God is shaping her through these obstacles so that she is ready for what He has for her in the next season.

Just days later I had someone give me a similar message as I was complaining about my own roadblocks. It forced me to stop and really consider the truth I had so easily given to another, but struggled to live out myself. God is in control. He is using the journey to shape me so I look more like Jesus and so He can use me in Asia Pacific.

As I took a dose of my own medicine, I looked at my truth-teller and said, “This is discipleship.” Small groups are great. Devotional studies can be helpful. Yet, discipleship is walking with Jesus through the mess and the unplanned so we are uncomfortable and are forced to confront truth and have it retool our hearts and minds. Having to wrestle with not being able to buy a plane ticket to Thailand yet is discipleship. Asking people to join my support team is discipleship. Confronting my own desire for control is discipleship.

Jesus said it this way in Matthew 16:24-25, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”

This waiting, this discomfort is the vehicle for me to turn from my selfish ways, take up my cross, and follow Jesus. This is discipleship. 

Don't Know

I was sharing with a good friend this weekend how uncomfortable it is right now to not know when I am leaving for Thailand. I want to be able to plan with an end time in mind. I do not know when I see people if it is the last time I am visiting with them or if I will have eight more visits over the next couple of months. The not knowing makes me uncomfortable and anxious.

Her gracious response was to remind me that I am not in control. She mentioned that we never know the time we have left and so we always need to say our goodbyes well and keep short accounts.

Jesus said in Matthew 24:42-44, “So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what day your Lord is coming. Understand this: If a homeowner knew exactly when a burglar was coming, he would keep watch and not permit his house to be broken into. You also must be ready all the time, for the Son of Man will come when least expected.”

I don’t know when I am leaving for Thailand. I also do not know when I might die (I narrowly missed being hit by a driver who ran a red light yesterday). I don’t know when Jesus is returning. So I must be ready all the time. I must be ready for Jesus to return. I can be ready for Thailand, whether I leave in January or in June.

It is not about knowing, it is about living. I can live each day in preparation. I think I am going to try and make that choice. 

Settling or Scattering

We are drawn to settle. From the beginning, God called His people to scatter throughout the earth. In Genesis 9, God reaffirms this call after the flood. He says, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). The people started out fulfilling this command, but then they got distracted. Genesis 11:1-2 says, “At one time all the people of the world spoke the same language and used the same words. As the people migrated to the east, they found a plain in the land of Babylonia and settled there.”

Instead of filling the earth, they made plans to build a tower to the sky. They wanted to go up rather than out. In order to get His people back to scattering, God came down to earth. “In that way, the Lord scattered them all over the world, and they stopped building the city. That is why the city was called Babel, because that is where the Lord confused the people with different languages. In this way he scattered them all over the world” (Genesis 11:8-9). God’s plans are not thwarted. He told the people to fill the earth and He would do whatever it took to get them to scatter instead of settle.

I see this story repeated in Acts. Jesus tells his disciples, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere- in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8). The disciples start off well, but they start to settle in Jerusalem. So in Acts 8:1, “A great wave of persecution began that day, sweeping over the church in Jerusalem; and all the believers except the apostles were scattered through the regions of Judea and Samaria.”

God’s intention is for His people to scatter. We are meant to fill the earth, telling people everywhere about Jesus. However, there is a strong draw to settle. Babylonia is beautiful and comfortable. Jerusalem is familiar. Orange County is where my family lives. As I prepare to depart for Thailand, I feel that draw to settle. I long to be near my family. I cling to what is familiar. However, I know my call is to scatter. I would rather scatter obediently, then be scattered by God’s discipline or persecution.

So I answer the call to fill the earth with God’s redemptive story. I prepare to go to Thailand. I prepare to scatter.

Communication vs. Communion

There is no substitute for face-to-face. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for Facebook, Skype, and other technology that allows me to remain in communication with friends and family around the world. However, nothing can take the place of being physically present with another person.

Matthew Anderson in his book Earthen Vessels describes it this way, “The advantages of the Internet, of course, are incalculable. But a world shaped by iPhones and Facebook is more oriented toward communication than presence. When I communicate something, I intentionally transmit information. The word or thought, in other words, passes through the tools we make to other people who receive the communication. But the body, on the other hand, does not only mediate information about me- it is my presence in the world. Physical presence makes possible a true communion of persons, a communion that requires the sharing of space and time” (p. 93).

This truth has come home to me over the past few weeks. Over and over as I have had opportunity to talk face-to-face with people about God’s call on me in Thailand, I have heard people say, “I read your emails and your newsletters, but I could not even fathom the scope of what you shared tonight.” My presence with the message changed everything about the message shared. It was not just about communication, it was about communion.

I just spent two glorious weeks in Germany with friends and students who I have tried to stay connected with via Facebook, Skype, and phone calls. Being there- in their homes, in their schools, in their space- was different. It was not about transmitting information. Instead there was communion because we shared space and time. The truth of my love for them and the truth of God’s love for them could be communicated differently because we were face-to-face.

The apostle Paul knew this difference between communication and communion as demonstrated in his letters.

•        “For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you.” (Romans 1:11)
• 
  
•       “But since we were torn away from you, brothers, for a short time, in person not in heart, we endeavored the more eagerly and with great desire to see you face to face.” (1 Thessalonians 2:17)
• 
  
•        “We pray most earnestly night and day that we may see you face to face and supply what is lacking in your faith.” (1 Thessalonians 3:10)

There is no substitute for face-to-face. This is a heartbreaking reality as I prepare to leave my family and friends for Thailand. I do not just want to impart information to those I love. I want communion. I am thankful for the time I have had to hold my nieces and make them laugh. It is a joy to be able to sit across the table from my siblings and share life with them. I love that I can drop by to process life with my parents. I am grateful for those friends who have set aside time every week to connect face-to-face.

I am thankful I will continue to be able to communicate with those I love. I am also thankful for the opportunities God is going to give me to share space and time with a new community in Thailand. However, it is going to be hard to give time to communication when I long for communion with those I am leaving behind. Yet another reminder I was made for heaven, not for Facebook.

Person of Peace

What does it look like to be a person of peace? Psalm 34:14 says, “Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.” Every day I get closer to the start of General Assembly. This means that every day there is the opportunity for greater anxiety. There is so much to do to get ready to host 300 people from 80 nations. However, I believe I have a great opportunity to be a person of peace instead of a person of worry.

My natural tendency is to become anxious when the pressure builds. Yet I see all the times the Bible talks about peace. Jesus came to bring peace. We are to be people of peace. This is not often what characterizes my life. So I am asking God for something different in this season. I want to be a person of peace, not just internally, but someone who brings peace to others who are anxious.

Philippians 4:6-9 talks about how to live as a person of peace. Paul writes, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Praying can turn my worry to peace. When I choose to tell God what I need and praise Him for His answers, my heart and mind will be guarded by peace. I need to root my thoughts in the things that reflect God and His character. The God of peace will be with me in this. These are the things I am praying for as I approach General Assembly.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:9, “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.” I am God’s child. This means I need to be working for peace, not only in my own life, but to have peace spill out of my life to bless others. Would you join me in praying that my life would be characterized by peace?

The Every

I have been thinking about the “Every” recently. The vision statement of Youth for Christ is, “As part of the body of Christ, to see that every young person in every people group in every nation has the opportunity to make an informed decision to be a follower of Jesus Christ and become a part of a local church.”

I found this vision compelling when I began working with Youth for Christ over ten years ago. I thought about every young person in the LA Basin. It seemed like an impossible, but engaging vision when I considered all the young people outside the reach of the church in Southern California.

Now I am thinking about this vision as I consider the almost 2 billion young people living in Asia Pacific. The ministry, up to this point, has been focused on national students. In India, the national staff is ministering to many Indian student populations. In Singapore, the Singaporean staff is looking to reach every Singaporean student. In Australia, the Australian staff enters the world of every Australian young person. These are monumental tasks in each nation.

Yet with our world growing smaller all the time, there are more and more students growing up outside their passport country. There is the Filipino student who is growing up in Hong Kong. In Japan, there are young people from the UAE. There are British students growing up in Thailand. The world is cross-pollinated and these Third Culture Kids have unique needs. At the core, however, their needs remain the same as every other young person. They are part of the “every” who we are called to give the opportunity to become a follower of Jesus. It will take an international team of people entering their world alongside the local churches to reach these “every.” “So everywhere we go, we tell everyone about Christ. We warn them and teach them with all the wisdom God has given us, for we want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ” (Colossians 1:28). This is a vision that compels me to depend on Jesus as I join the work in Asia Pacific.

Hold Nothing Back

When I came to Denver in June for strategic planning with YFC, the president of YFC/USA spoke with our team out of Isaiah 58:1 which says, “Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout! Tell my people what's wrong with their lives; face my family Jacob with their sins! They're busy, busy, busy at worship, and love studying all about me. To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people— law-abiding, God-honoring. They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?' and love having me on their side. But they also complain, 'Why do we fast and you don't look our way? Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'”

Our president emphasized the phrase “Hold nothing back”, encouraging us to engage fully with the life God has given us. What I found interesting about this verse, though, is that the rest of the verse goes on to talk about people who are busy with worship and studying God’s Word and “right-living”, but this is not what holding nothing back looks like. Isaiah is supposed to hold nothing back in confronting these people whose lives are busy with spiritual things, but are still cynical that God even cares or will respond to their spiritual rituals.

Last week we were discussing the theme for the next General Assembly. Right now a number of delegates have been denied visas for the current General Assembly. The location for General Assembly 2014 has more lenient visa guidelines. We joked that the theme for the next General Assembly should be “All In”. With that phrase hanging in the air, I was drawn back to the phrase “Hold nothing back” from several months before.

What does it look like to hold nothing back? What does it look like to be all in? From Isaiah, I see that it is not about being busy in spiritual activity. Holding nothing back means getting out of the boat (Matthew 14:22-34). Holding nothing back means picking up my cross (Matthew 16:24-25). Being all in is about abiding (John 15:1-17). Being all in means counting all else lost compared to knowing Jesus (Philippians 3:7-11). Holding nothing backs means being willing to obey whatever God asks (Isaiah 58:1).

I want to live holding nothing back, to be all in. I do not want my life to just be about doing the “right” things. I want to be in right relationship. 

Help My Unbelief

The sermon on Sunday was out of Mark 9:14-29 where the man brings his son to have a demon cast out, but the disciples are unable to cast it out. This father was so desperate. He was without hope, especially when the disciples could not cast out the spirit in Jesus’ name. The part of the story that always resonates with me is in verse 24 where in response to Jesus reminder to the man that all things are possible when a person believes, “The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe all things are possible because of Jesus. I believe God has good plans for me. I believe that what the Bible says about Jesus and what the Bible says about me are true. BUT, help my unbelief. When the plans I have made fall apart, it is hard to believe. When dreams shatter, even those I believe are from Jesus, my belief is shaky. When prayers go unanswered for decades, my belief falters. I do believe, but help me to overcome my unbelief.

In church on Sunday I was sitting next to three of my roommates from Germany. The whole weekend was a reminder of all the ways God had blessed us during our time in Germany. Sometimes it has been easy to focus on how things have become more difficult since our return to the States. Throughout the weekend we made the choice to celebrate the past and point each other toward God’s goodness in the presence and hope for the future.

Standing next to them on Sunday, I was reminded to let God write my story. I would have never picked to return to Southern California for university, but God wrote a different and better story. I never imagined I would invest my life in students, but God’s story has brought great joy. I would never have pictured serving in Germany as a missionary, but it is a chapter in my story I will cherish forever. Through the sermon and through the presence of my roommates, I was reminded of the good story God is writing in me. Help my unbelief. As I head into a new chapter as I prepare to move to Thailand, I am reminded God is writing a good story in my life. I do believe, but help me to overcome my unbelief.

Counting the Cost

I am out of practice. I have not been putting what I am learning onto paper much in the last few months. I was too busy writing papers for school. There was also so much going on inside of me that I did not even know where to begin. So the goal is to begin the discipline again- today.

The world I am leaving...

There have been a number of moments in the last few weeks when I think, “What am I doing moving to Thailand?” It comes up when I am talking to Raya on Skype and she asks me to pick her up because she does not understand that I am not really there. The thoughts creep in when I think about the heat and the bugs and all the adjustments to a brand new culture (I have learned peanut butter is expensive and it is hard to find top sheets and butter knives). I wonder if I made the right decision when I hear about some exciting ministry opportunities in other places. There are moments of concern when I think about starting over building community, including finding a new church.

Then I hear about two high school senior girls from Manhattan Beach who are planning a gap year and want to hear all about the plans for EMBARK. I am humbled when I see twice as much financial support come in during July than any other month this year. Excitement enters when I get pictures of potential houses for rent in Chiang Mai that will serve as my home and the center of EMBARK ministry. My heart swells as I sit on a Skype call with the leadership of Asia Pacific connecting from seven different nations and hear stories about what God is doing throughout the region. I start to dream about all God has planned when I am spending time with members of the team I will be serving with in Chiang Mai.

I think it is OK to question. I have been told it is good I am wrestling with these doubts now. I think that is part of getting ready to go. I need to count the cost. It is recorded in Luke 14:25-33:

A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.

But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’

Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.

Part of the team I am joining...

These are hard teachings from Jesus. It costs to follow Jesus. There is also cost involved in moving overseas to start a brand new ministry. Those are costs I must wrestle with. I do not want to only complete the foundation of EMBARK. I want to be able to complete the building. So I consider what it will cost me to go to Thailand. Some days I am not sure it is worth the cost of family, church, and community. It is hard to know without guarantees on the other end. Yet I am trusting God and His Word and that He has good things intended for me. I believe if I continue to walk closely to Jesus I will become the person He intends me to be and I will complete the work He intends me to complete. The next step of following Jesus seems to be taking me to Thailand, but wherever I go, I must count the cost and choose to pick up my cross and take a step closer to Jesus. 

Investing that Time

I have two really close friends at school. We go out almost every Friday night we have class. We spend time talking and laughing. We carpool to school together on Saturday and always stop for Starbucks and Vons sandwiches on the way to cover breakfast and lunch. Spending this time together has established really wonderful friendships.

Two week ago, a couple of our classmates asked us if we wanted to go out after class on Friday.  I was not sure how it was going to go. Dynamics would be different than in our little group of three. I knew there had been some misunderstandings early on between some of the people. Would there still be lively conversation? Would there still be depth? Would people get along?

The evening went great. The conversation covered a wide-range of thought-provoking topics. In fact, the evening went so well that we lost track of time and didn’t get back to the house until after eleven. On our drive home, one of my friends reflected on the evening. He pointed out that spending time getting to know someone helps you to understand the person and makes it easier for you to care for him or her.

I thought that was a great observation. I know that has been true in my experience. I have found people difficult to understand or hard to relate to, but then I have invested more time and gained more understanding of their past or personality or gifts and suddenly it is a whole lot easier to love that person.

As I have reflected back on that night, I have thought about the application to my relationship with Jesus. There is a whole lot about Jesus that is hard for me to understand. I demonstrate a lack of trust in Him at times. I question His motives. The only answer I can find is to spend more time with Him. The more time I invest in my relationship with Jesus, the better I will understand Him and the better I will love Him.

Investing that time. Asking the questions. Really getting to know someone. Those are the things that move us toward love.

Giving Up

Moving back overseas has been a more difficult decision this time around. There are many factors that have contributed to making it more difficult. It has been my desire from the beginning to return overseas, but I have had to face rejection, doubt, discouragement, dead ends, and lots of silence in the process.

One of the things I had not anticipated was how fear crept into the decision-making process. I have never really faced such fear as I have travelled the globe and entered into situations that many would consider dangerous. Yet, as I considered moving back overseas, the fear almost became paralyzing.

I was talking to a wise friend as I was wrestling through some of this fear. She reminded that taking these kinds of risks was never going to get easier, only more difficult. When I leave this time, I know more of what it will cost me. I am aware of how hard it will be to stay in touch. I will know that I am missing out on milestone moments with my family. I can anticipate the loss differently this time around. So every time I start over in a new ministry setting, it will be more difficult and has the potential to raise more fears.

I do not want fear to dictate my decisions. I do want to count the cost, but I know there is great gain involved as well. Jesus says in Mark 10:29-30, “…and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.”

There is gain in the loss. I have experienced it. I anticipate I will again. This does not make it easy. I love my mother, father, brothers, sisters, nieces, friends, family, churches and long for time with them…yet, for the sake of the Good News, I leave, knowing there will be both persecution and the gain of a new family and community. I will face my fears, count the cost, and still make the decision to go. Fear begins to give way to faith.

Plain Hard to Get

I am not sure what to think. The ministry roles I have desired to fill, the door has closed clearly. Those opportunities I am unsettled about are pursuing me. It has left me confused. I am totally dependent on Jesus to direct me.

So I am working out this morning, listening to my Ipod. The song “Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins came on shuffle. I ended up playing it three times. The last half in particular seemed to speak to what I am currently experiencing.

“And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we cannot get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get”

I believe what God says about Himself is true. I know there is nothing else I can do, but surrender to the journey God has me on. I want to follow God. Sometimes He is just plain hard to get.

Prayer for My Girls

I believe there are few things in the world as miraculous to observe as the birth of a baby. I had the tremendous privilege of being present for the birth of my niece, Abigail Mercy on Monday morning.

After months of waiting and weeks of being afraid I was going to miss the birth because of travel or illness, I was there to watch her enter the world. As my dad said Abby has the same power Raya has over us. Without being able to do anything or give us anything, Abby has the ability to make us smile just because she lives. Her very presence brings joy to our lives.

In the last couple of months, as Raya as grown into an active toddler with a vibrant personality and as I have anticipated the arrival of Abby, I have found myself praying more often for these little women. I am praying that God would protect them from attacks from the world that would tell them to be different than who God made them to be. I am praying God would help them to know what it means to be loved and to love others. I am praying God would draw them into a saving relationship with Jesus. I am praying God would shape them into the women He intends them to be.

My prayer for Raya and Abby matches Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-19 which reads, “My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.” (The Message)

This is my prayer for you, dear girls.

I Have Need

I exited the freeway on Good Friday on the way to my parent’s house. There are often people panhandling at this off-ramp, so I readied one of the bags I keep in my car full of food and water and toiletries. Sure enough, there was a man sitting at the intersection with his cardboard sign in his hand. I rolled down my window and put the bag out for him to take.

He began to shake is head no. As I got closer and put the bag out further, he simply replied, “No, thanks.” I was a bit surprised, so I made sure to let him know that there was food and drink in the bag. He just kept shaking his head and repeating over and over, “No, thanks. I’m fine.”

The light was green, so I kept moving, but I was a bit stunned. Here was a man sitting on the side of the road asking for help. Yet he refused the offer of food and drink. Was he hoping for money? Was he concerned I was going to have a Gospel tract in the bag? How could he express a need and then refuse help?

As I drove on, God brought a picture to mind. Here we were celebrating the day Christ died for our sins. We had a need and God meet that need on the cross. Yet, ever day, with cardboard signs in our hands begging for help, we say, “No, thanks. I’m fine” to the help He is offering.

I need Jesus. I need Jesus every day. I want to accept what God is offering. I was thankful for the reminder.

Silence is Golden

It started out like a pretty normal day. Spend time with Jesus, workout, get ready, drive to school. I talked on my phone for a little while as I drove. Then there was silence for a few golden hours. Something changed when I got out of the car to order some Starbucks in anticipation of class. My voice was gone. I could barely squeak the words out for my order.

I couldn’t figure out what had happened. I didn’t really feel sick. I hadn’t spent a lot of time talking in the previous days and for sure not in the previous hours. My voice was just gone and has been now for almost five days. I entertained my class over the weekend in my attempt to communicate. I have opted to use Skype to type out some important conversations. Sometimes I have just strained my voice so I could be heard and understood.

It has been inconvenient. It also has got me thinking. I have been forced to slow down (since it did turn into a cold). I have chosen to spend more time listening.  It has also made me think about what is really important to communicate and forced me to evaluate why I want to say what I want to say.

I value my ability to communicate. I depend on my words to facilitate that communication. Yet I have been reminded in the last few days that some of the best communication is in listening. James 1:19 says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” This is a great opportunity to reorder my responses, being quick to listen and slow to speak or become angry. I am praying I choose to apply this when my voice returns.

New Song

I have been in the process of memorizing Psalm 40:1-3. It should not surprise me that something I am memorizing continues to come to my thoughts as I am navigating life circumstances. I guess that is kind of the point and why I chose to memorize these verses in the first place.

I am memorizing the verses in the New Living Translation. They read,

Joining the RCMP is not my new song :)

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.”

The last few months have been rough. I have felt stuck in the mud and mire as I have tried to make sense of what God is doing and where He is leading. As I have been memorizing these verses, I have been praying for that “new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.” It has felt like I have only heard old melodies, familiar songs that are not to be sung any longer. Yet in the last week, I believe I have begun to hear the faint sound of a new tune. I can’t make out the full melody line and there are still many lyrics missing, but I believe I am going to be given a new song to sing.

I look forward to that time when I am able to share my new song with all of you. I want to share the story of what God has done. I long for the time when my story will encourage others to put their trust in God. I am trusting God to bring about the fullness of Psalm 40:1-3 in my life.

Puzzle Pieces and Prayer

Last week I was talking to my friend, Mari Ellen, about the ministry opportunities I am considering. She made the observation that it seems I get new puzzle pieces every day. However, she noted, it is unclear whether the pieces are all for the same puzzle or different puzzles. In fact, I am not even sure what the final picture is supposed to be.

This analogy resonated with me, primarily because I hate putting together puzzles. It is one of my least favorite activities. And it is true, almost every day I have a conversation or receive an email that introduces a new piece of information, a new piece to the puzzle. This often increases my frustration because I still don’t see how all the pieces work together to create a whole or even if they are supposed to form a single picture.

On Sunday, the sermon walked us through Jesus time in Gethsemane in Matthew 26. Jesus, overwhelmed by grief, spends time in prayer. He prays, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (v 39). I am in no way facing this kind of suffering. I do, however, identify with the request that, if it is possible, to be removed from this season. I do not like not having a clue of what God is doing. I just want to get out of this unknown and into a place where I can plan and move forward. Jesus concludes His request for another option with a commitment to what God wants over what He wants.

After waking His disciples, Jesus returns to pray a second time. This prayer is a bit different than the first. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (v 42). Between the first and second prayer, Jesus understands there is no other way. He is not getting out of going to the cross and bearing the wrath intended for the rest of mankind. So in the face of no other options, He prays for God’s will to be done.

Like I said, I am not experiencing suffering like Jesus. Yet I was reminded on Sunday night that there seems to be no other way for God to accomplish in me what He intends than through this season of waiting and unknown. I can ask to get out of this season. More than likely, I will have to walk all the way through it, no matter how long it takes because that is God’s will. I will continue to gather puzzle pieces and wait for the day God shows me the picture He is creating. I will continue to pray the prayer that always gets answered “Your will be done.” 

Look at the Birds

Worry is a recurrent sin in my life. Four weeks ago it was the subject of a church sermon. It wasn’t necessarily anything new I was hearing, but I heard it differently. God convicted me of my sin. I knew I needed to respond. Yet it seemed overwhelming to tackle such a pervasive sin in my life.

Worry impacts my relationships. It impacts my health. My attitudes and thoughts are shaped by worry. I thought my biggest worry was about time. I get anxious over whether I will get things done. I am also recognizing a significant worry is what other people think of me. Many of my decisions are influenced by how I anticipate people will respond.

My pastor showed in Luke 12:22-34, how Jesus pointed people to God’s care for the ravens and the lilies as examples of how He provides for us. A dear friend gave me a key chain with a bird on it to remind me of lessons God is teaching me about worry and the chance to choose something different.

The biggest challenge that came out of the sermon and in our small group discussion was the end of the passage. Jesus has been telling people not to worry about whether they will eat or have something to wear because God provides. Then He ends with this, “Sell your possessions and give to those in need” (v. 33). If you are worried about what you will eat or wear, sell what you have and give to those in need. Kingdom living is so counter-intuitive. If I am worried about finances, I spend less and save more. Instead, Jesus tells me to give more away.

So I have been trying this out in other areas of worry. If I am worried about not having enough time, I give more time away. I say yes to a friend who wants to grab coffee. I choose to respond to the email that has come into my inbox. I am finding when I give more of my time away, I am able to complete what needs to get done.

Instead of trying to manage my life to please others, I am looking for ways to give my life away without expectation of how people will respond.

Sell. Give. Release. This is how Jesus teaches me to respond to worry. I am taking steps in His direction. It is a struggle. This does not come naturally. Yet He is making me aware when I am choosing worry and giving me opportunity to respond with generosity. This gives me hope that my life will not be characterized by worry forever. 

Feeling Foolish

Sometimes following Jesus makes me feel foolish. It feels foolish to turn the other cheek. It feels foolish to not try and defend myself. It feels foolish to wait instead of act. It feels foolish to hope when things seem hopeless.

I am sure Noah felt foolish as he built the ark. I am sure Joseph felt foolish as he spent time in prison, remembering his dreams of his brothers bowing to him. I am sure Peter, James, and John felt foolish about throwing their nets out the other side of the boat after a night of no catch.

It is hard for me to be the fool. I like to be found competent. I like to have things add up. I like for others to think well of me.

Following Jesus means sometimes doing things that make no sense to anyone else. Following Jesus is humbling. Following Jesus means choosing a path of contradictions- last who are first, least who are greatest, fools who are wise.

I want to walk the path toward Jesus, wherever it takes me, even if I feel foolish.

“But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength. Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important,” 1 Corinthians 1:24-28.