I had to
push down the panic as soon as I hit the water. It didn’t help that the life
vest didn’t fit properly and felt like it had risen up around my neck to
strangle me. It also didn’t help that my mask was too loose and the nosepiece
had instantly filled with water, which I had immediately inhaled. More than all
of this, I had just jumped straight into the unknown, into a sea that was well
beyond my control.
The last
time I had gone snorkeling was when I was 15 in a protected bay in the Philippines.
This was the open ocean. The waves kept coming and I had to remain aware of the
currents. Before we jumped in, we had just received the description of five sea
creatures to avoid touching (although only one of them was life-threatening, we
were told). I was trying to be brave and play it cool, but I just kept
thinking, “I just want to survive the next hour.”
On our first
stop of this snorkeling trip, I just kept telling myself not to panic and enjoy
the experience. I wrestled my lifejacket for the whole hour and was constantly
having to flip on my back to empty my mask, so I could avoid the feeling of
drowning. Yet, I would have these moments when I would get lost in the beauty
of the fish in such vibrant colors it was breathtaking. When the purple
jellyfish the size of a volleyball swam into view, I was nervous and amazed all
at the same time. The feeling of being out of control was worth the adventure I
was experiencing.
The second
stop had even stronger currents and less visibility in places, but I had traded
lifejackets, adjusted my mask, and was starting to feel some peace about the
experience. I still recognized that at any moment I could be pulled by a wave
or run into a creature I didn’t want to see that close up, but not being in
control meant I could see something few people in the world get to see. I saw
“Nemo” swimming through the anemones and giant clams with purple, blue, and
green “lips” inches from my face.
Later that
day, we went kayaking. I was in the front, so Lana was steering. I had never
kayaked before (or canoed for that matter), so I was feeling out of my element.
We turned the corner into the open ocean and started to be buffeted by the
waves and the wake from the longboats. I kept asking Lana to tell me where we
were going. I thought knowing my direction would reduce my anxiety. She replied
that she didn’t know because it would depend on the direction of the waves. I
didn’t like the feeling of being blind and not being in control of where we
were going.
I recognize
that I like the feeling of being in control. I like to believe that I am
setting my direction. I like to believe that if I am taking risks, they are well
calculated. The reality is that this is an illusion. I am not in control of my
life. God throws in the unexpected. Other people make choices that impact me. I
live in a big ocean where I am being tossed around trying to have some
semblance of order. The more I seek to control, the less I enjoy the
experience. When I am able to acknowledge that my life is not my own, I can
embrace the adventure a bit more.
Job 23:12-14
says, “I have not departed from His commands, but have treasured His words more
than daily food. But once He has made His decision, who can change His mind?
Whatever He wants to do, He does. So He will do to me whatever He has planned.
He controls my destiny.” What a terrifying and comforting thought. As humbling
and awe-inspiring as the ocean is, God is more.
I was trying
to teach my nieces to have a healthy fear of the ocean when I was in California
this Christmas. We were working on helping them not to be afraid to get in the
water, but to still recognize the power of the waves and the need to have a
supervising adult with them. This is where I want to be with God. I don’t want
to be afraid to jump into life with Him, but I also want to acknowledge His
power and His ability to do whatever He wants with me.
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