Giving Up

Moving back overseas has been a more difficult decision this time around. There are many factors that have contributed to making it more difficult. It has been my desire from the beginning to return overseas, but I have had to face rejection, doubt, discouragement, dead ends, and lots of silence in the process.

One of the things I had not anticipated was how fear crept into the decision-making process. I have never really faced such fear as I have travelled the globe and entered into situations that many would consider dangerous. Yet, as I considered moving back overseas, the fear almost became paralyzing.

I was talking to a wise friend as I was wrestling through some of this fear. She reminded that taking these kinds of risks was never going to get easier, only more difficult. When I leave this time, I know more of what it will cost me. I am aware of how hard it will be to stay in touch. I will know that I am missing out on milestone moments with my family. I can anticipate the loss differently this time around. So every time I start over in a new ministry setting, it will be more difficult and has the potential to raise more fears.

I do not want fear to dictate my decisions. I do want to count the cost, but I know there is great gain involved as well. Jesus says in Mark 10:29-30, “…and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.”

There is gain in the loss. I have experienced it. I anticipate I will again. This does not make it easy. I love my mother, father, brothers, sisters, nieces, friends, family, churches and long for time with them…yet, for the sake of the Good News, I leave, knowing there will be both persecution and the gain of a new family and community. I will face my fears, count the cost, and still make the decision to go. Fear begins to give way to faith.

Plain Hard to Get

I am not sure what to think. The ministry roles I have desired to fill, the door has closed clearly. Those opportunities I am unsettled about are pursuing me. It has left me confused. I am totally dependent on Jesus to direct me.

So I am working out this morning, listening to my Ipod. The song “Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins came on shuffle. I ended up playing it three times. The last half in particular seemed to speak to what I am currently experiencing.

“And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we cannot get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get”

I believe what God says about Himself is true. I know there is nothing else I can do, but surrender to the journey God has me on. I want to follow God. Sometimes He is just plain hard to get.

Prayer for My Girls

I believe there are few things in the world as miraculous to observe as the birth of a baby. I had the tremendous privilege of being present for the birth of my niece, Abigail Mercy on Monday morning.

After months of waiting and weeks of being afraid I was going to miss the birth because of travel or illness, I was there to watch her enter the world. As my dad said Abby has the same power Raya has over us. Without being able to do anything or give us anything, Abby has the ability to make us smile just because she lives. Her very presence brings joy to our lives.

In the last couple of months, as Raya as grown into an active toddler with a vibrant personality and as I have anticipated the arrival of Abby, I have found myself praying more often for these little women. I am praying that God would protect them from attacks from the world that would tell them to be different than who God made them to be. I am praying God would help them to know what it means to be loved and to love others. I am praying God would draw them into a saving relationship with Jesus. I am praying God would shape them into the women He intends them to be.

My prayer for Raya and Abby matches Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-19 which reads, “My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.” (The Message)

This is my prayer for you, dear girls.

I Have Need

I exited the freeway on Good Friday on the way to my parent’s house. There are often people panhandling at this off-ramp, so I readied one of the bags I keep in my car full of food and water and toiletries. Sure enough, there was a man sitting at the intersection with his cardboard sign in his hand. I rolled down my window and put the bag out for him to take.

He began to shake is head no. As I got closer and put the bag out further, he simply replied, “No, thanks.” I was a bit surprised, so I made sure to let him know that there was food and drink in the bag. He just kept shaking his head and repeating over and over, “No, thanks. I’m fine.”

The light was green, so I kept moving, but I was a bit stunned. Here was a man sitting on the side of the road asking for help. Yet he refused the offer of food and drink. Was he hoping for money? Was he concerned I was going to have a Gospel tract in the bag? How could he express a need and then refuse help?

As I drove on, God brought a picture to mind. Here we were celebrating the day Christ died for our sins. We had a need and God meet that need on the cross. Yet, ever day, with cardboard signs in our hands begging for help, we say, “No, thanks. I’m fine” to the help He is offering.

I need Jesus. I need Jesus every day. I want to accept what God is offering. I was thankful for the reminder.

Silence is Golden

It started out like a pretty normal day. Spend time with Jesus, workout, get ready, drive to school. I talked on my phone for a little while as I drove. Then there was silence for a few golden hours. Something changed when I got out of the car to order some Starbucks in anticipation of class. My voice was gone. I could barely squeak the words out for my order.

I couldn’t figure out what had happened. I didn’t really feel sick. I hadn’t spent a lot of time talking in the previous days and for sure not in the previous hours. My voice was just gone and has been now for almost five days. I entertained my class over the weekend in my attempt to communicate. I have opted to use Skype to type out some important conversations. Sometimes I have just strained my voice so I could be heard and understood.

It has been inconvenient. It also has got me thinking. I have been forced to slow down (since it did turn into a cold). I have chosen to spend more time listening.  It has also made me think about what is really important to communicate and forced me to evaluate why I want to say what I want to say.

I value my ability to communicate. I depend on my words to facilitate that communication. Yet I have been reminded in the last few days that some of the best communication is in listening. James 1:19 says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” This is a great opportunity to reorder my responses, being quick to listen and slow to speak or become angry. I am praying I choose to apply this when my voice returns.

New Song

I have been in the process of memorizing Psalm 40:1-3. It should not surprise me that something I am memorizing continues to come to my thoughts as I am navigating life circumstances. I guess that is kind of the point and why I chose to memorize these verses in the first place.

I am memorizing the verses in the New Living Translation. They read,

Joining the RCMP is not my new song :)

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.”

The last few months have been rough. I have felt stuck in the mud and mire as I have tried to make sense of what God is doing and where He is leading. As I have been memorizing these verses, I have been praying for that “new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.” It has felt like I have only heard old melodies, familiar songs that are not to be sung any longer. Yet in the last week, I believe I have begun to hear the faint sound of a new tune. I can’t make out the full melody line and there are still many lyrics missing, but I believe I am going to be given a new song to sing.

I look forward to that time when I am able to share my new song with all of you. I want to share the story of what God has done. I long for the time when my story will encourage others to put their trust in God. I am trusting God to bring about the fullness of Psalm 40:1-3 in my life.

Puzzle Pieces and Prayer

Last week I was talking to my friend, Mari Ellen, about the ministry opportunities I am considering. She made the observation that it seems I get new puzzle pieces every day. However, she noted, it is unclear whether the pieces are all for the same puzzle or different puzzles. In fact, I am not even sure what the final picture is supposed to be.

This analogy resonated with me, primarily because I hate putting together puzzles. It is one of my least favorite activities. And it is true, almost every day I have a conversation or receive an email that introduces a new piece of information, a new piece to the puzzle. This often increases my frustration because I still don’t see how all the pieces work together to create a whole or even if they are supposed to form a single picture.

On Sunday, the sermon walked us through Jesus time in Gethsemane in Matthew 26. Jesus, overwhelmed by grief, spends time in prayer. He prays, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (v 39). I am in no way facing this kind of suffering. I do, however, identify with the request that, if it is possible, to be removed from this season. I do not like not having a clue of what God is doing. I just want to get out of this unknown and into a place where I can plan and move forward. Jesus concludes His request for another option with a commitment to what God wants over what He wants.

After waking His disciples, Jesus returns to pray a second time. This prayer is a bit different than the first. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (v 42). Between the first and second prayer, Jesus understands there is no other way. He is not getting out of going to the cross and bearing the wrath intended for the rest of mankind. So in the face of no other options, He prays for God’s will to be done.

Like I said, I am not experiencing suffering like Jesus. Yet I was reminded on Sunday night that there seems to be no other way for God to accomplish in me what He intends than through this season of waiting and unknown. I can ask to get out of this season. More than likely, I will have to walk all the way through it, no matter how long it takes because that is God’s will. I will continue to gather puzzle pieces and wait for the day God shows me the picture He is creating. I will continue to pray the prayer that always gets answered “Your will be done.”