Hold Nothing Back

When I came to Denver in June for strategic planning with YFC, the president of YFC/USA spoke with our team out of Isaiah 58:1 which says, “Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout! Tell my people what's wrong with their lives; face my family Jacob with their sins! They're busy, busy, busy at worship, and love studying all about me. To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people— law-abiding, God-honoring. They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?' and love having me on their side. But they also complain, 'Why do we fast and you don't look our way? Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'”

Our president emphasized the phrase “Hold nothing back”, encouraging us to engage fully with the life God has given us. What I found interesting about this verse, though, is that the rest of the verse goes on to talk about people who are busy with worship and studying God’s Word and “right-living”, but this is not what holding nothing back looks like. Isaiah is supposed to hold nothing back in confronting these people whose lives are busy with spiritual things, but are still cynical that God even cares or will respond to their spiritual rituals.

Last week we were discussing the theme for the next General Assembly. Right now a number of delegates have been denied visas for the current General Assembly. The location for General Assembly 2014 has more lenient visa guidelines. We joked that the theme for the next General Assembly should be “All In”. With that phrase hanging in the air, I was drawn back to the phrase “Hold nothing back” from several months before.

What does it look like to hold nothing back? What does it look like to be all in? From Isaiah, I see that it is not about being busy in spiritual activity. Holding nothing back means getting out of the boat (Matthew 14:22-34). Holding nothing back means picking up my cross (Matthew 16:24-25). Being all in is about abiding (John 15:1-17). Being all in means counting all else lost compared to knowing Jesus (Philippians 3:7-11). Holding nothing backs means being willing to obey whatever God asks (Isaiah 58:1).

I want to live holding nothing back, to be all in. I do not want my life to just be about doing the “right” things. I want to be in right relationship. 

Help My Unbelief

The sermon on Sunday was out of Mark 9:14-29 where the man brings his son to have a demon cast out, but the disciples are unable to cast it out. This father was so desperate. He was without hope, especially when the disciples could not cast out the spirit in Jesus’ name. The part of the story that always resonates with me is in verse 24 where in response to Jesus reminder to the man that all things are possible when a person believes, “The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe all things are possible because of Jesus. I believe God has good plans for me. I believe that what the Bible says about Jesus and what the Bible says about me are true. BUT, help my unbelief. When the plans I have made fall apart, it is hard to believe. When dreams shatter, even those I believe are from Jesus, my belief is shaky. When prayers go unanswered for decades, my belief falters. I do believe, but help me to overcome my unbelief.

In church on Sunday I was sitting next to three of my roommates from Germany. The whole weekend was a reminder of all the ways God had blessed us during our time in Germany. Sometimes it has been easy to focus on how things have become more difficult since our return to the States. Throughout the weekend we made the choice to celebrate the past and point each other toward God’s goodness in the presence and hope for the future.

Standing next to them on Sunday, I was reminded to let God write my story. I would have never picked to return to Southern California for university, but God wrote a different and better story. I never imagined I would invest my life in students, but God’s story has brought great joy. I would never have pictured serving in Germany as a missionary, but it is a chapter in my story I will cherish forever. Through the sermon and through the presence of my roommates, I was reminded of the good story God is writing in me. Help my unbelief. As I head into a new chapter as I prepare to move to Thailand, I am reminded God is writing a good story in my life. I do believe, but help me to overcome my unbelief.

Counting the Cost

I am out of practice. I have not been putting what I am learning onto paper much in the last few months. I was too busy writing papers for school. There was also so much going on inside of me that I did not even know where to begin. So the goal is to begin the discipline again- today.

The world I am leaving...

There have been a number of moments in the last few weeks when I think, “What am I doing moving to Thailand?” It comes up when I am talking to Raya on Skype and she asks me to pick her up because she does not understand that I am not really there. The thoughts creep in when I think about the heat and the bugs and all the adjustments to a brand new culture (I have learned peanut butter is expensive and it is hard to find top sheets and butter knives). I wonder if I made the right decision when I hear about some exciting ministry opportunities in other places. There are moments of concern when I think about starting over building community, including finding a new church.

Then I hear about two high school senior girls from Manhattan Beach who are planning a gap year and want to hear all about the plans for EMBARK. I am humbled when I see twice as much financial support come in during July than any other month this year. Excitement enters when I get pictures of potential houses for rent in Chiang Mai that will serve as my home and the center of EMBARK ministry. My heart swells as I sit on a Skype call with the leadership of Asia Pacific connecting from seven different nations and hear stories about what God is doing throughout the region. I start to dream about all God has planned when I am spending time with members of the team I will be serving with in Chiang Mai.

I think it is OK to question. I have been told it is good I am wrestling with these doubts now. I think that is part of getting ready to go. I need to count the cost. It is recorded in Luke 14:25-33:

A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.

But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’

Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.

Part of the team I am joining...

These are hard teachings from Jesus. It costs to follow Jesus. There is also cost involved in moving overseas to start a brand new ministry. Those are costs I must wrestle with. I do not want to only complete the foundation of EMBARK. I want to be able to complete the building. So I consider what it will cost me to go to Thailand. Some days I am not sure it is worth the cost of family, church, and community. It is hard to know without guarantees on the other end. Yet I am trusting God and His Word and that He has good things intended for me. I believe if I continue to walk closely to Jesus I will become the person He intends me to be and I will complete the work He intends me to complete. The next step of following Jesus seems to be taking me to Thailand, but wherever I go, I must count the cost and choose to pick up my cross and take a step closer to Jesus. 

Investing that Time

I have two really close friends at school. We go out almost every Friday night we have class. We spend time talking and laughing. We carpool to school together on Saturday and always stop for Starbucks and Vons sandwiches on the way to cover breakfast and lunch. Spending this time together has established really wonderful friendships.

Two week ago, a couple of our classmates asked us if we wanted to go out after class on Friday.  I was not sure how it was going to go. Dynamics would be different than in our little group of three. I knew there had been some misunderstandings early on between some of the people. Would there still be lively conversation? Would there still be depth? Would people get along?

The evening went great. The conversation covered a wide-range of thought-provoking topics. In fact, the evening went so well that we lost track of time and didn’t get back to the house until after eleven. On our drive home, one of my friends reflected on the evening. He pointed out that spending time getting to know someone helps you to understand the person and makes it easier for you to care for him or her.

I thought that was a great observation. I know that has been true in my experience. I have found people difficult to understand or hard to relate to, but then I have invested more time and gained more understanding of their past or personality or gifts and suddenly it is a whole lot easier to love that person.

As I have reflected back on that night, I have thought about the application to my relationship with Jesus. There is a whole lot about Jesus that is hard for me to understand. I demonstrate a lack of trust in Him at times. I question His motives. The only answer I can find is to spend more time with Him. The more time I invest in my relationship with Jesus, the better I will understand Him and the better I will love Him.

Investing that time. Asking the questions. Really getting to know someone. Those are the things that move us toward love.

Giving Up

Moving back overseas has been a more difficult decision this time around. There are many factors that have contributed to making it more difficult. It has been my desire from the beginning to return overseas, but I have had to face rejection, doubt, discouragement, dead ends, and lots of silence in the process.

One of the things I had not anticipated was how fear crept into the decision-making process. I have never really faced such fear as I have travelled the globe and entered into situations that many would consider dangerous. Yet, as I considered moving back overseas, the fear almost became paralyzing.

I was talking to a wise friend as I was wrestling through some of this fear. She reminded that taking these kinds of risks was never going to get easier, only more difficult. When I leave this time, I know more of what it will cost me. I am aware of how hard it will be to stay in touch. I will know that I am missing out on milestone moments with my family. I can anticipate the loss differently this time around. So every time I start over in a new ministry setting, it will be more difficult and has the potential to raise more fears.

I do not want fear to dictate my decisions. I do want to count the cost, but I know there is great gain involved as well. Jesus says in Mark 10:29-30, “…and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.”

There is gain in the loss. I have experienced it. I anticipate I will again. This does not make it easy. I love my mother, father, brothers, sisters, nieces, friends, family, churches and long for time with them…yet, for the sake of the Good News, I leave, knowing there will be both persecution and the gain of a new family and community. I will face my fears, count the cost, and still make the decision to go. Fear begins to give way to faith.

Plain Hard to Get

I am not sure what to think. The ministry roles I have desired to fill, the door has closed clearly. Those opportunities I am unsettled about are pursuing me. It has left me confused. I am totally dependent on Jesus to direct me.

So I am working out this morning, listening to my Ipod. The song “Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins came on shuffle. I ended up playing it three times. The last half in particular seemed to speak to what I am currently experiencing.

“And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we cannot get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get”

I believe what God says about Himself is true. I know there is nothing else I can do, but surrender to the journey God has me on. I want to follow God. Sometimes He is just plain hard to get.

Prayer for My Girls

I believe there are few things in the world as miraculous to observe as the birth of a baby. I had the tremendous privilege of being present for the birth of my niece, Abigail Mercy on Monday morning.

After months of waiting and weeks of being afraid I was going to miss the birth because of travel or illness, I was there to watch her enter the world. As my dad said Abby has the same power Raya has over us. Without being able to do anything or give us anything, Abby has the ability to make us smile just because she lives. Her very presence brings joy to our lives.

In the last couple of months, as Raya as grown into an active toddler with a vibrant personality and as I have anticipated the arrival of Abby, I have found myself praying more often for these little women. I am praying that God would protect them from attacks from the world that would tell them to be different than who God made them to be. I am praying God would help them to know what it means to be loved and to love others. I am praying God would draw them into a saving relationship with Jesus. I am praying God would shape them into the women He intends them to be.

My prayer for Raya and Abby matches Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-19 which reads, “My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.” (The Message)

This is my prayer for you, dear girls.